There are many terrifying things in this planet – wild animals, the dentist’s chair, bad weather and taking a difficult exam, among many others. However, there is one terrifying thing you should be careful of – unplanned pregnancy. This happens when you think of sex too much and you are not careful by forgetting to use that special rubber.
Think Seth Rogen in Knocked Up and you will never want to forget condoms.
The condoms we use these days have had an interesting history. Before it became the ultimate thin rubber to prevent your sperm from creating a baby, condoms have undergone many different phases, most of which were terrifying.
Living in the modern world has its perks, too. Aside from Facebook, Instagram and Dropbox, rest assured that you will never have to experience these nightmare contraceptives in bed.
1. The Diaphragm Made From Crocodile Poo
Ancient Egyptians were creative. They built pyramids, introduced mummification, came up with their own system of writing and had the most amazing artwork in the world. In other words, the ancient Egyptians contributed a lot to today’s world.
Because of their many contributions, it won’t be surprising to know that they were the first ones who cooked up a variety birth control methods. As early as thousands of years ago, they realized that any form of blockage down there could stop pregnancy; hence, there was the birth of sperm barriers made from crocodile poop and honey.
How it worked and who were the first ones to try it are still a mystery.
2. Don’t Drink The Mercury
Can you still remember that day when digital thermometers were not yet the coolest thing inside your local hospital? When you were feeling feverish and your mom took your temperature, she probably had to remind you to be careful not to drop the thermometer and spill the mercury in it. After all, mercury is a poison and therefore, dangerous.
During the olden days when mercury was the cure for everything, the ancient Chinese figured it could be an effective birth control method.
Perhaps they calculated the fact that if the birth rate remained the same, their population will be one billion by 1990’s, so they needed to do something to slow it down. The practice was, that after sex, Chinese women would drink a shot of mercury, just as if they were drinking tequila.
Mercury was effective in stopping pregnancy; there is no doubt about that. Unfortunately, it led to sterility, kidney failure and worse than all of that, brain damage. That’s a high price to pay for birth control.
3. Weasel Testicles, Oh My
During the time when superstition replaced science and people relied more on stars and gut feelings, rather than examining the facts. And, at that time, weasels were common animals. Yes, that mammal who is small, but terrible with sharp teeth, long bodies and short legs. In the Dark Ages, women used weasel testicles to prevent pregnancy. They would insert the testicles inside their “you-know-what” before sex, since they figured that any form of blockage down there would stop a pregnancy.
Before you freak out, think about this. If you were living during those times, will you still have sex with someone with severed balls hanging down south? Of course not. Though admit it, their imagination, creativity and innovative thinking were really something.
4. Go Soak Asea Sponge
First, the sea sponge is nothing like the cute sponge guy, SpongeBobSquarePants, who is a pretty shade of yellow and lives in a pineapple under the sea.
Second, it looks like a cylinder or a barrel with tiny holes or pores in it, known as ostia. More importantly than all that,the women of ancient times who lived along the Mediterranean Sea used this sea creature as a contraceptive.
This makes sense when you consider the sea sponge’s shape. Before intercourse, women would rinse the sea sponge with vinegar or acidic lemon juice, hoping it will kill any bacteria that could harm them down there. Since it is a sponge, by definition, it could also easily absorb a man’s sperm and minimize their risks of getting pregnant. Let’s just hope that they used the smaller ones, because sea sponges can grow so big, they can fit two to three divers inside of them. Ouch.
5. Beaver Testicles Plus Alcohol
They just love using animal testicles as a contraceptive, don’t they? Here is another perfect example. Sometime in the 16th century and perhaps, after much thought, the Canadians agreed that the key to prevent pregnancy is by using the testicles of small furry mammal. Since this was the 16th century, they learned from past mistakes and came up with “safer” alternatives.
Their solution: Using beaver testicles mixed with some form of alcohol. It turns out that a beaver’s balls are strong, and the Canadians decided to grind them into a fine powder and mix them with alcohol. At least, you can use up that old Scotch you got last Christmas.
6. The Coca Cola Douche
If you think you saved yourself from these terrifying modes of pregnancy prevention, then think again.
Not too long ago, women used Coca Cola as their sort of morning after pill. However, it’s not as simple as drinking it first thing in the morning.
Believe it or not, they would douche with it after sex. It turns out that warm water and vinegar are not effective in killing a man’s sperm, but Coke’s carbonation and sugar were the effective combination to stop a pregnancy.
How about Dr. Pepper or Pepsi products, you may ask. Unfortunately for them, a Harvard study in the late 60’s discovered that Coke is the better option for preventing pregnancy. It must be something in Coke’s secret formula.
7. Blacksmith Water
According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, a blacksmith is a person who repairs or makes things made of iron. To be exact, 1,800 years ago, the ancient Greeks had the brilliant idea of using blacksmith water as a means to prevent pregnancy. None of the history books or ancient reports said anything as to why people believed in the power of blacksmith water, but for some reason, it became a popular contraceptive.
The ancient Greeks believe that since the blacksmith water contains lead, it could help women protect themselves against pregnancy. This is also the reason why many women volunteered to work in factories with lead to make sure they wouldn’t get that surprise bun in the oven. Sadly, drinking blacksmith water or even too much exposure to lead gave the women problems like nausea, kidney failure, neurological problems, seizures, coma and worse yet, even death.
8. Sparkling Diaphragms Of Ivory, Gold And Silver
Have you seen a thimble? It is a metal or plastic cap with a closed end, which protects the finger during sewing. Imagine something slightly bigger that could fit inside a woman’s vagina.
Thousands of years ago, some people made a thimble that could fit up to the woman’s cervix. Here’s the catch: this thimble-like contraceptive was made of ivory, gold and silver.
Yes, it could protect a woman from getting pregnant. The downside: unusual odor, risk of toxic shock syndrome, discharges and infections. A woman could also get pregnant if she didn’t wear the thimble properly or it didn’t fit her well.
The upside is that if you were lucky, you could take out your package after the dead to find the thimble was right there, sitting on the penis head. At least it was made of ivory, gold and silver.
9. The Sneaky Animal Intestines
Apparently, condoms and balloons do not belong under the same umbrella. The idea of wrapping a man’s penis came from animal intestines – and it has been around for thousands of years. During that time, and to prevent serious medical issues from using mercury and blacksmith water to stop pregnancy, some people used intestines from animals as a form of contraception. The oldest known condom is made of pig’s intestine, which must be soaked in warm milk before using in bed.
At least this method is more acceptable, don’t you think?
10. Opium Up There
In ancient and early civilizations, opium was the coolest medical breakthrough ever discovered.
Opium is a heavy-scented addictive drug used as a narcotic and analgesic. Aside from making you an addict, did you know that you could use opium as a contraceptive?
In ancient Sumatra, people figured it was okay to use opium as a form of birth control. What women did at the time wasto get a sticky wad of opium and wedge it up there. The side effects are still unknown today, but this doesn’t mean it’s okay to use it. If you want to have sex and not worry about having a baby after nine months, just stick to a condom. It’s much safer.
11. Sour Lemons, Anyone?
In the world of natural beauty treatments, lemon is the queen. It brings tons of benefits, which could go way beyond getting rid of blemishes and pimple marks.
It is also good for your skin and overall health, too. But did you know that people used this sunny fruit as a contraceptive?
You have to take note of the shape of the lemon. By cutting the lemon in half, it would be the right shape to act as a diaphragm to stop you from getting that bun in the oven.
At the same time, the acid from this fruit could instantly kill a man’s sperm and prevent the sperm from swimming inside the woman’s reproductive system, hoping to find an egg to fertilize.
The best part is that lemons come in different sizes, so they would choose the right one, depending on the woman’s size.
Aren’t you glad you live in the modern age? Although there are many ups and downs in the digital world, at least you don’t have to subject yourself and your ladylove to these terrifying ancient contraceptives.
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